Spiralling

How do you start something with no direction? I don’t know how to create something out of nothing. I don’t know how to use the tools and skills I have. And I wonder sometimes, do I really mean it or am I just doing it simply for the sake of?

For a person who prides herself on being judicious, full of advice and sometimes wisdom, I don’t follow my advice half the time. But today isn’t about me, it’s about all of the people I could’ve helped, and it’s about all how much these people need the help.

Sometimes I can’t just use the same way over and over again, it doesn’t work. And it definitely doesn’t work when I try to be too over-the-top with my words either. Words mean something, but the actions mean more. I’m not sure I have the capacity, time or even money to prove my words, but I guess I just need to be present.

It’s so hard to be present, when you have a hundred and one things going on in your head, when you catch yourself spiralling further. It just doesn’t stop; it’s not something you can choose to make “right” after the “dust has settled”. It’s not something that should be hard, you know?

I just don’t know when to pull back, and when to give my all. How many people can appreciate these things? But I guess it’s not about the appreciation, it’s just genuinely about helping people. I want to find the will to push through for other people and for myself. I want to push through and find joy, strength and resilience in the people I help.

I just have to present. 

I can’t imagine what it must feel like, and I don’t think I can ever fully understand. It’s just like how I don’t think anyone else can understand how I spiral out of control. I don’t think I can understand how someone has anxiety and paranoia latching on every single day, every moment of their lives. But it must be hard, knowing that this happens every day and you are in no control to stop it. You’re in no control not by choice but by the lack of it. You don’t have the options and means because it’s just not within your capabilities. It’s not because you don’t want to.

I have so many dreams, dreams that I can’t accomplish because of the limited resources. Sometimes you wonder how and why, how you’re gonna push through, why you need to push through. Sometimes you just think about all these burdens that’s upon your shoulders, but you don’t stop to realise that others are bearing some of your burden too. And how can you say nobody is in the same boat? Because as long as one person helps another, and another, the burden will always be shared.

You just have to find strength through all of the weight.

And I wish so much for it to be that easy; I wish I had the resolve to carry on.

But I’m tired, and come morning, the same feelings will plague me and I will continue to spiral. You keep telling yourself, “I can do it, I can be positive, I can pull through”, but who’s helping you?

I guess I lied when I said it’s not about me, It’s totally about me. But its so much more than that. Because I’m struggling with my head and my heart so much, I don’t know what I want. I know I want to help, but in what way? How? When? I can’t just apply this every other Sunday, or every other Monday. I want to do it every day, though I will always have doubts about myself.

Though I don’t know why I want to do what I do, though I don’t know how I’m going to cope, I just want to do something meaningful and important with my life. I just haven’t found exactly what that purpose is yet.

I can’t do anything but shoulder on, especially when I bring it upon myself.

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